Judge Your Date According to Their Fave Song
by Sean Frederlen
“Don’t Stop Believin’” - Journey
If they know the lyrics to this one, they spend too much time at their local dive. Be prepared to get to know Alyssa, Robyn, and Henrie over a pitcher of Coors Light.
“Old Town Road” - Lil Nas X
If they like Old Town Road, they probably use the TikTok app. They’re fifteen. Run.
“Hot Girl Summer” - Megan Thee Stallion
They like this song? Bad news—they’re hotter than you. Lock yourself in your bathroom until they go home.
“Clair de Lune” - Debussy
If they claim Claire de Lune is their favorite classical work, then you know you’ve got a basic beyotch. Get out of the house and get some Pumpkin Spice and go apple picking and call both of your mothers.
Beethoven’s First Symphony, Ludwig von Beethoven
If they can even identify this symphony, they listen to a lot of NPR. A. Lot. Of. NPR.
They have many thick, quality sweaters that you may borrow any time.
“Peace Piece” - Bill Evans
If they’re down with Bill Evans, they’ve undoubtably smoked LSD before, but only once. Their glasses have clear rims.
“I Will Survive” - Gloria Gaynor
If they like this song, they have at least a passable amount of self-esteem.
If they know all of the lyrics, they have tarot cards.
“The Shape of You” - Ed Sheeran
Prepare yourself to sustain eye contact for the entire hour that you make love.
“Bad Guy” - Billie Ellish
You’re going to wake up and all of your clove cigarettes and your jar of change will have been stolen.
“Truth Hurts” - Lizzo
They just got out of a BAD relationship, and YOU’RE the rebound person. This can be really bad or really good, depending on how you feel about being ghosted by someone who cried on your shoulder last week.
“Parklife” - Blur
They have good coffee pourover technique. There won’t be a single speck of bean in your coffee cup. They’ll want to narrate the entire process.
“The Party Line” - Belle and Sebastian
They’re a superdork, but at least they’ve been to Europe before.
“Let’s Get It On” - Marvin Gaye
The sex will be terrible.